Poetry Wednesday: “LL Bean Christmas Catalogue”

One day I will pack up, move into its glossy pages
and take up permanent residence in this snowy tableau: Looking out from the porch of my rustic Maine cabin, protected from the frosty air in my Sherpa Fleece Big Shirt in Dusty Plum, my loving gaze falls upon my chiseled and stunningly coifed mate. He is the perfect man

in his Natural Fit Double L Jeans and Loden Waterfowl Sweater.Color-coordinated yet masculine, he snowshoes back home carrying a tidy bundle of holly berry branches and a Log Cabin Nut Gift Set. This man won’t leave dirty puddles inside the door or scratch his crotch or soil our sink with whiskers. This man will hunt ducks, split logs and set up our Lobster Shack Coastal Birdhouse, but stay as pleasant and fresh as this New England morning.

Our two perfect offspring – donned in Katahdin Outerwear in Azalea and Loden – look up with glee from where they’ve been cheerfully romping with their Kiln-Dried Maple Sled. No dangerous balls of ice beamed at little sister here, no threats or hair-pulling in these pages. Just rosy-faced cooperation in the talcum soft snow. They are, of course, our most prized treasures.

Except perhaps for my Discovery Skis and Rossignol X5 Ski Boots in Loden.

We will come in from the chill and gather ‘round our Classic Farmhouse Table for a cozy winter breakfast.  Bursting with the spirit of the season, we’ll invite that lovely African-American couple from page 73 – for though they appear the picture of outdoor contentment, he seems out of place in his Nordic Cruiser Cross Country Skis and she looks perplexed carrying packages in her Boat and Tote Bag in Trapper.

But heck, it’s nothing a Blueberry Breakfast Gift Set can’t fix.

Our bellies full, we’ll chuckle merrily at the litter of puppies asleep on their monogrammed Biscuit Dog Bed in Loden, and when our neighbor asks “What color is ‘Loden’ anyway?” we shall laugh politely into our mugs of cocoa pretending not to have heard.

That night after sending our darling offspring to their Handcrafted Spindle Beds my mate and I will cozy up together under our Fleece Throw in Periwinkle. There, in the light of the Moonbeam Clock
on the mantle, he will tear off my Pima Cotton Flannel Nightgown in Duck and Laborador Retriever Print — with extra button – and, ….

Afterwards, our hairstyles intact, we will sleep without dreaming while outside more snow falls, collecting in airy layers.  And when my feet get chilly in the dark of night he will turn to me and whisper “my darling, why don’t you slip on your imported Wicked Good Moccasins made from superior sheepskin?”

I have never felt so in love.

-Mary Gray

Comments

  1. LOVE IT!! One day I want to be your other neighbor–perhaps far enough away to have to visit you by a horse drawn sleigh through the frosty winter air!

  2. Mary, this is worthy of Garrison Keillor. But beyond the satire, it is beautifully written, filled with imagery. Wonderful!

    • Thanks! I had a really good creative writing teacher once…

      Posting poetry is going to be a challenge though, because the WordPress editor is awful…it won’t let me single-space anything or do line breaks without totally screwing things up, curses!!

  3. Johannes (Reitter, Vienna/Austria) says:

    Just great. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post. Thank you for making my day.

    • Johannes,
      Wow, how cool to have a reader from Vienna…(at least that is what it says for your location) I was in Vienna many years ago & it’s one of the most beautiful cities I’ve ever been to. Thanks for reading!

      Mary

  4. My laughing just woke up my dogs (alas, not chocolate labs) when I read the part about your intact hairstyles and rustic lingerie.

    • LLBean definitely discriminates against non-Labradors. It would be kind of cool to see Dachsunds in the catalogue, but I guess they’re not “sporty” enough looking. They were originally bred to hunt, though, weren’t they? Or to flush rats out of holes, was it?

  5. Hilarious!

    Can you do something with the P ALLEN SMITH website, too?! It really needs a bit of satire.

  6. Christine says:

    Hahaha!!!!!!!!…..Perfect
    Just the way to reflect on the holiday season and all those catalogs that come in the mail

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