You may want to forward this list to your friends and significant others, or anybody who might possibly think these would be good gift choices for you. (Pssst, you there! Your gardening friend wants a GIFT CARD FOR HER FAVORITE NURSERY! Not any of the terrible, embarrassing gift items shown here!)
#1. THE SNAIL-RIDING FAIRY CERAMIC KEEPSAKE. I’ll put this in the “Gifts-From-Your-Clueless-but-Well-Meaning-Grandma” genre because she is the only possible person who would buy you this. If you recieve this from Grandma as a gift, you can store it in the closet, but you’ll have to get it out every time she visits, because she WILL ask you where it is. She won’t remember the names of her grandchildren but she’ll remember she gave you this horrible ceramic doo-dad.
Yeah, so instead of being able to eat rich, creamy chocolates NOW, you get to eat a spray of parsley IN SEVEN MONTHS.
First of all, they don’t really work. To properly aerate the soil, you need to pull little plugs of soil out, not just ram spikes down into the ground. Second, so what if they DID work, they are RIDICULOUS! Third, if you’re packing your suitcase in a hurry, you might mistake them for your Tevas and be stuck wearing them all week on your beach vacation!
“See here, Flanagan, we’ve lost the big Jones account. Seems those reports you sent over last month were filled with SAND. What gives?”
Another one for the Granny genre. I guess by using these I’ll seem more cute and girly as I garden. I’ll be out there sweating in the sun, squishing grubs with my bare fingers and cussing at the rock-solid clay I’m trying to dig through, but my pink and blue floral trowel will make me look sweet and feminine anyway.
I don’t know….I’m just not feeling this one. Supposedly, you can grow herbs in these on your windowsill and it will be incredibly charming. If you caught me on a different day I might think these were cute, but today I think they’re pointless and lame.
#7 SASQUATCH LAWN FIGURINE
Ladies, if your husband is at all like mine, there is a good chance that he will eventually buy you this. If you have South Park figurines, a Dwight Schrute bobblehead, or any Family Guy paraphernalia on your mantel, those are the early warning signs!!
#8 FLOWERPOT PEOPLE
I get shivers just looking at these. Take a close look at the faces on these things…are they smiling? Yes, smiles of cunning and malice! I’ll bet if you broke one of these and threw it in the garbage, the next day it would be sitting right back in your garden, all whole again, smiling that creepy smile…
#9. THE LAWN-STRYPER
For the man in your life who wants his front lawn to look like a baseball stadium, here’s a gizmo he can attach to the back of his mower to make striped grass. The actual ad copy goes like this:
“Neighbors asking about your lawn? Keep them guessing! The Check-Mate lawn-striper can be our little secret.”
And his weekly therapy session for OCD will our little secret.
Incidentally, you can also use the Lawn Stryper to spell out “I’m a weenie” in your front yard.
#10 The Postcarden – Pop Up Postcard Garden
This product brings two really dull gift ideas together into one super-lame combo.
Wait a minute, is it a postcard or is it a tiny blob of watercress??? Oh my God, it’s both!!!
Well, that’s all for now! I’m sure if your loved ones put their minds to it, they could find hundreds more lame gardening gift ideas for you, but I only have time to showcase these ten. So happy holidays everybody and let’s all keep our fingers crossed for the gift card!!!