Q: Buddy, your new fertilizer, Grass Masters™ Complete Super Premium Nitrogen Blast, sounds like just what my lawn needs. How often do I need to apply it?
Randy Arlington, TX
A: I have an easy formula for you, Randy. Just apply it every time there’s a major holiday! The first application should go down on Valentine’s Day. Then apply again on April Fool’s Day, Easter, Cinco de Mayo, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Canadian Father’s Day, Guy Fawkes Day, and Thanksgiving. It’s a cinch!
Q: Buddy, I want my lawn to be the envy of the neighborhood, but it’s got weeds! Can you help?
Carl Tampa, FL
A: Carl, of course I can! For those really tough weeds like crabgrass and clover, I highly recommend Grass Masters™ special Garden Gestapo line. Try Weed-B-Wasted MAX PRO All-in-One. Because you don’t just want to kill the weeds. You really want to make them suffer.
Q: I have moss growing in my grass. Is that a bad thing?
Karen Princeton, NJ
A: Karen, moss is a terrible interloper! It violates your lawn and gives it a mottled, heterogeneous look. What you want to do is apply Grass Masters™ Ultra Moss Massacre once a day until there is not a trace of it left to mar the uniform perfection of your lawn.
Q: Buddy, I went outside yesterday and saw some bugs on my bushes. What should I do?
Kent Springfield, VA
A: I’m sorry to hear that, Kent. You’re not alone. Turns out many people have this problem. In fact, studies have shown that many bugs actively seek out green plants because they need them to survive!
Let me tell you what you need to do. Simply give your garden a good soak-down with one of Grass Masters™ most popular products — Total Insect Meltdown 2000X, available in gallon jugs or – for bigger jobs – a 10 gallon vat you can wear as a backpack. The backpack comes with an easy to use Death Sprayer which will apply the solution at a force of 1200 psi. Your bugs won’t stand a chance!
Q: Are there any bugs that may be beneficial in my garden?
Luis San Diego, CA
A: No, not really.
Q: What about butterflies, Buddy? Will they harm my lawn and shrubs?
Petra Omaha, NE
A: Yes, absolutely. Butterflies, and their grotesque cousins, moths and skippers, may look harmless with their colorful wings and all, but let me tell you, they are not. I recommend one of my new products, Moth and Butterfly Assassin 3000. Simply sprinkle some of the power granules in your flower garden or wherever you spy one of these winged vermin, and BOOM! I guarantee you will not see a butterfly within a half mile of your backyard or your money back.
Q: Buddy, are these products safe to use? The label on my bag of Total Turf Titan says it has caused cancer in laboratory animals in California.
Debbie Eau Claire, WI
A: No worries, Debbie! You’re in Wisconsin, so you should be okay. Just make sure you use the product as directed. After application, wait the recommended four to six weeks before doing any backyard barbecuing and don’t do any needless inhaling anywhere on your property. If you have children, it wouldn’t hurt for them to wear plastic over any exposed skin for a few months or so. Preferably industrial grade.
Hahahahahaha…love it! It’s sad how close to reality this almost is, however…sometimes I think they would use flaming napalm if they could!
True enough, Scott! I actually got the idea for this from a local radio garden show that airs here in DC. Gardeners call in with their issues, and the “expert” advice is ALWAYS to treat the plants with some sort of chemical. Ack!
And here I thought you’d received one of those queries offering to buy a guest blog post in exchange for “$100 in social media points!” Either way, the result is the same.
Funny, but *so* creepy in how close that is to the shallow, off-answers I hear on HGTV-type outlets, my local desert-denial garden centers, and even some extension agents. But it does motivate me to get out there and dispense better info more effectively!
David, you are so right. I’m not totally anti-chemical, but so many people just buy the stuff because they THINK they need it. Glad you’re out there dispensing good info to your clients!
I anticipate big sales when they offer the free bag of Agent Orange over Memorial day weekend.
Ha! Buy One Get One Free Pesticides….scary!
Another great post, Mary! -Jean
Much appreciated, Jean. And thanks again for featuring BWD on your blog!
All of these products can be applied using the Neighborannoyer 5000, an all-in-one, turbocharged, high-horsepower blower/sprayer using nothing but the finest outboard mix for fuel–you get all the benefits of both gas and oil! For a small extra fee, your yard waste can be blown into the street, where it will be left in the gutters near the storm drain.
Better yet, just take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
Ohhhhh, leafblowers….don’t get me started! Paul, what can I buy with “social media points”?
Who would expect such wicked satire in a landscape design blog? Wonderfully done!