Q: Buddy, your new fertilizer, Grass Masters™ Complete Super Premium Nitrogen Blast, sounds like just what my lawn needs. How often do I need to apply it?
Randy Arlington, TX
A: I have an easy formula for you, Randy. Just apply it every time there’s a major holiday! The first application should go down on Valentine’s Day. Then apply again on April Fool’s Day, Easter, Cinco de Mayo, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Canadian Father’s Day, Guy Fawkes Day, and Thanksgiving. It’s a cinch!
Q: Buddy, I want my lawn to be the envy of the neighborhood, but it’s got weeds! Can you help?
Carl Tampa, FL
A: Carl, of course I can! For those really tough weeds like crabgrass and clover, I highly recommend Grass Masters™ special Garden Gestapo line. Try Weed-B-Wasted MAX PRO All-in-One. Because you don’t just want to kill the weeds. You really want to make them suffer.
Q: I have moss growing in my grass. Is that a bad thing?
Karen Princeton, NJ
A: Karen, moss is a terrible interloper! It violates your lawn and gives it a mottled, heterogeneous look. What you want to do is apply Grass Masters™ Ultra Moss Massacre once a day until there is not a trace of it left to mar the uniform perfection of your lawn.
Q: Buddy, I went outside yesterday and saw some bugs on my bushes. What should I do?
Kent Springfield, VA
A: I’m sorry to hear that, Kent. You’re not alone. Turns out many people have this problem. In fact, studies have shown that many bugs actively seek out green plants because they need them to survive!
Let me tell you what you need to do. Simply give your garden a good soak-down with one of Grass Masters™ most popular products — Total Insect Meltdown 2000X, available in gallon jugs or – for bigger jobs – a 10 gallon vat you can wear as a backpack. The backpack comes with an easy to use Death Sprayer which will apply the solution at a force of 1200 psi. Your bugs won’t stand a chance!
Q: Are there any bugs that may be beneficial in my garden?
Luis San Diego, CA
A: No, not really.
Q: What about butterflies, Buddy? Will they harm my lawn and shrubs?
Petra Omaha, NE
A: Yes, absolutely. Butterflies, and their grotesque cousins, moths and skippers, may look harmless with their colorful wings and all, but let me tell you, they are not. I recommend one of my new products, Moth and Butterfly Assassin 3000. Simply sprinkle some of the power granules in your flower garden or wherever you spy one of these winged vermin, and BOOM! I guarantee you will not see a butterfly within a half mile of your backyard or your money back.
Q: Buddy, are these products safe to use? The label on my bag of Total Turf Titan says it has caused cancer in laboratory animals in California.
Debbie Eau Claire, WI
A: No worries, Debbie! You’re in Wisconsin, so you should be okay. Just make sure you use the product as directed. After application, wait the recommended four to six weeks before doing any backyard barbecuing and don’t do any needless inhaling anywhere on your property. If you have children, it wouldn’t hurt for them to wear plastic over any exposed skin for a few months or so. Preferably industrial grade.