Here’s a totally non-gardening, Onion-style piece I wrote several years ago, when I was teaching high school Creative Writing. Each year I’d get a few kids who loved writing Sci-Fi and Fantasy, and would give me these 200 page rambling stories they’d been working on since they were 12. I submitted this to McSweeney’s, but after they sent me a very kind “no, thanks” I filed it away and forgot about it. But then yesterday my old teacher pal Ami Durand reminded me of it, and so I decided it needed a fresh reading! This is for you, Ami!
Here, You Should Read My Fantasy Novel
by Jeremy Fisk, a.k.a. Ranc Goldknight
Here! Remember how I started writing The Sword of Thalgamore in like, eighth grade, but then lost the files when my brother crashed the computer downloading that porn? Well, guess what, I’ve been rewriting it these last couple months and just finished it last Thursday night. And you won’t believe what happens to Thalgamore and Aearlith when they finally reach the Circle of Magic! Nope, don’t ask me to give it away – you’ll find out on page 169! Sorry for the single-spaced, 10 point font, but my dad wouldn’t let me print it out any bigger because he said I was wasting paper!
Oh, are you wondering who Ranc Goldknight is? That’s me. I actually have about 17 pen names but I’m only going to publish my Thalgamore series under the Goldknight pseudonym. See, I plan to publish several dozen series and I don’t want my name to become overexposed, you know, like what happened to Stephen King.
Don’t worry, it won’t take that long to finish my novel because you’ll really get into it. The only thing is, make sure you read the 18-page introduction about the First and Second Elf Wars because otherwise you might be a little lost at first. See, this is really the third book in the Thalgamore’s Curse series and I haven’t written the other two yet, but I think I’m going to publish this one first anyway, and then publish the prequel, like the way they did the Star Wars movies. In the prequel, you’ll find out how the abduction of Diandra – that’s Queen Emerwen’s daughter, who was the original Elf Queen – led to the First Elf War. That’s also going to be where the Warlords of Caryngswyth first use the power of the silver Spirit Chalice, which will lead to –
Oh yeah I know, sorry about the stains on the first few pages. I gave it to Mrs. Malloy to read over the weekend and she must’ve set her coffee mug on it by mistake. Anyways, she said she liked it, but when I asked her how she liked the part where Ithil is slain by the Dark Nymph, she was like, “oh yes Jeremy that was an amazing description of his death!” when it’s totally obvious from the time Ithil is introduced in chapter 17 that she’s a sorceress! Helloooo! Geez, you’d think an English teacher would be able to follow a dang storyline. (I also don’t see why Mrs. Malloy keeps calling me Jeremy when I clearly write Ranc Goldknight on all of the English papers I turn in.)
Getting back to my novel, though, you might wonder why Ithil appears in Book 3 when she’s supposed to be slain in Book 1. Okay, see, it all goes back to the resurrecting power of the Chalice, and I do plan to include a detailed chart about the different colored Spirit Chalices and the degrees of power they have because I can see how it can be kind of complicated. But first let me warn you not to base your knowledge of Elvish Spirit Chalices on any of Alfred’s short stories! What is he thinking? Everyone knows that the power of the Chalice can only be fully realized when it’s passed down by a First Order Elf and only then if they’re wearing the Purple Cloak of Dulin!! I have tried to explain to Alfred that nobody will take his work seriously if he has Second and Third Order Elves using the magic of the Spirit Chalice to battle the Warlords!!! How can he not see that that would be impossible? I am seriously beginning to wonder how qualified he is to be vice president of the Dragonscapes Club.
What’s that? You’re reading the first sentence and you’re not sure what an iaeth is? You mean you didn’t know that was the Elvish word for bastard sword? I’m surprised. Maybe you’re used to the Lower Plateau dialect of Elvish. No, see, most of my book takes place in the Upper Plateau, but don’t worry, that’s what the 35-page glossary is for. You’re also welcome to borrow some of my notebooks, which have sketches and detailed backstories of all 48 characters. You can borrow the whole crate if you want, but don’t get the notebooks out of order, please.
Oh, and you might accidentally stumble across a couple copies of Playboy in there, too. My brother likes to hide them in my crate because, for some reason, he thinks my parents will never look there. Just disregard them, like I always do.
Varg Amarig! (HappyReading!)