In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, HGTV thinks it would be super-romantic if you and your honey set up a luxurious bed out in the backyard so the two of you can giggle under the cherry blossoms and then sleep under the stars!
Dreamy picture, eh?
But here’s what will happen if you try this at your house, with your actual partner:
*Your mattress will acquire permanent mud-stains from being dragged through the thawing spring garden.
*As you are gazing at the robin’s egg blue sky, an actual robin will crap on your forehead.
*The sound of your next-door neighbor’s leafblower will seriously compromise the quality of your al fresco lovemaking.
Ah, well. You can always try this one. The concept here is that you can get a rocking motion going which will lull you to sleep, like when you were a wee babe.
I don’t know about you, but the architecture of my inner ear has definitely changed since I was a baby, so if my bed were to sway back and forth in this manner I would definitely be puking into the grass.
The oars are optional here. If you really want to “get away from it all” with your partner, get the oars and paddle yourself far out to sea. Nothing says romance like a tryst in a tiny, banana-shaped bed-boat in the baking sun.
If you accidentally get swept out to sea and wind up drifting aimlessly in the horse latitudes, you can use the chic sun canopy feature as a makeshift solar distillation device!
You know what they say….desperation and severe thirst are the best aphrodisiacs!
Now, if you’re trapped in an unhappy union, you can always purchase this bed WITHOUT oars, let your partner doze off in there, and then give it a good shove into the wine-dark sea.
“Uhmvir, the mother ship has departed. And our incubation period is nearly complete. Once the scales disappear from your back, the earthlings will never suspect…”
“Honey will you please turn that stupid light out?”