Top Five Ludicrous Outdoor Bedrooms

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, HGTV thinks it would be super-romantic if you and your honey set up a luxurious bed out in the backyard so the two of you can giggle under the cherry blossoms and then sleep under the stars! 

Dreamy picture, eh?

But here’s what will happen if you try this at your house, with your actual partner: 

*Your mattress will acquire permanent mud-stains from being dragged through the thawing spring garden.

*As you are gazing at the robin’s egg blue sky, an actual robin will crap on your forehead.

*The sound of your next-door neighbor’s leafblower will seriously compromise the quality of your al fresco lovemaking.


Ah, well.  You can always try this one.  The concept here is that you can get a rocking motion going which will lull you to sleep, like when you were a wee babe. 


I don’t know about you, but the architecture of my inner ear has definitely changed since I was a baby, so if my bed were to sway back and forth in this manner I would definitely be puking into the grass.

Ahoy, matey! 

The oars are optional here.  If you really want to “get away from it all” with your partner, get the oars and paddle yourself far out to sea.  Nothing says romance like a tryst in a tiny, banana-shaped bed-boat in the baking sun.

If you accidentally get swept out to sea and wind up drifting aimlessly in the horse latitudes, you can use the chic sun canopy feature as a makeshift solar distillation device! 

You know what they say….desperation and severe thirst are the best aphrodisiacs!

Now, if you’re trapped in an unhappy union, you can always purchase this bed WITHOUT oars, let your partner doze off in there, and then give it a good shove into the wine-dark sea.


“Uhmvir, the mother ship has departed.  And our incubation period is nearly complete.  Once the scales disappear from your back, the earthlings will never suspect…”







“Honey will you please turn that stupid light out?”



  1. You made me laugh out loud! Thanks for the laugh.

  2. A different take on some serious?? decorating. Sometimes it is good to look at things from a different perspective…

  3. The second one reminds me of a hamster wheel…I would fear it rolling away and away…and away and away and away. This post made me laugh out loud!

  4. Love-making in a suburb surrounded by houses with second-story windows? I’m too inhibited to be that much of an exhibitionist, even if they cut me in on the ticket proceeds.

  5. It’s stupid pictures like these that make design mags so funny to read. The only way I wouldn’t fall out of these beds is by huddling in the middle trying to stay warm all night. :o)

  6. Are the people who design these things on some serious crack? It’s the only explanation possible. Your comments are deliciously insightful and wickedly funny, as usual!

  7. While my borrowed view is at least as grand as any of those…really! Most of the time, there are no bobcats, coyotes, centipedes, etc around, the weather is dry and perfect, but I just am not picturing such things where most people live (near other people). I am on a zero lot line, and dinners outside, some throw rugs on the patio, or the fire pit cranked, all works…but that is not after! Perhaps the media all own that hallucinogenic plants Golden Guide? And I’m hoping the mother ship in one of your illustrations will take them away.

  8. Dear Mary, This posting is too funny! I don’t think any of the suggestions will work here, as it is snowing today. P. x

  9. We did try sleeping outside on our trampoline once to watch the shooting stars extravaganza… but the mosquitoes and dew sent us inside! Fun post. Love the reality check!

  10. I definitely love the idea of an outdoors bed. But then I live in California where such a thing is realistic. At least in the summer.

    • I like the idea of sleeping outside, but maybe on one of those sleeping porches like P. Allen Smith has at his Garden Home Retreat. I don’t like the idea of my nice sheets out there in the elements.

  11. Hysterical! Thank you!

  12. Good job, Mary! We used to call these “hammocks”. This just shows what happens when love meets marketing. God bless America!

  13. Inspired by your blog, and the chuckle it provided, I thought I’d take a look the other `Valentines’ suggestions made by HGTV. They really are NOT ON THIS PLANET are they! I love their suggestion that “a day at a Bed & Breakfast” would be a romantic gesture – There are no “DAYS” at a B&B, even at the very best ones, breakfast finishes at 9.30 and you’re pretty much thrown out into the street thereafter to find your own amusement. I guess HGTV don’t actually do any research before showering these pearls of wisdom on their unsuspecting audience.

  14. Were we in the same Contemporary Landscapes class when a designer who I found interesting was one who Marianne detested? The pods in the last one resemble some of his artifacts of whimsy. Oh well, money can’t make up for common sense.


  1. […] idea of outdoor bedrooms by sharing four other concepts in outdoor sleeping gear. Her verdict? Great big garden FAIL. Apparently, the great indoors has its […]

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