So I’ve Ripped Out My Lawn, Now What Do I Do?

With all that grass, I mean.  I know you have a super-creative plan for re-planting your ex-lawn, but now you’ve got a huge sod pile to deal with.  Don’t tell me you smothered the poor grass under cardboard and plastic?  That’s a damn shame.  Had you an ounce of ingenuity, you would have re-purposed your grass in a stylish and ecologically correct manner.  Like these people did.

#1  The Ecologically Fashion Forward Couple About Town.  Don’t roll your eyes.  You know you wish you could pull this off.  If you’re a little daunted, just start small.  Maybe with the tie, shoes, and hat.  Confidence is key.  You have to own the look.


 #2 The Turf Sandal.  So you live in DC and you’ve recently replaced your lawn with a patio made from locally quarried Anacostia Hard-Pan Pavers?  Just slip these sandals on and you will fondly remember what it was like to go barefoot.  Don’t forget to order the tiny lawnmower and tiny bags of Scott’s TurfBuilder!


#3 Grass Knuckles.  I didn’t want to tell you this but your weapon stash is looking sooooooo 1998.  Now you can beat somebody to a bloody pulp in style, while expressing your concern for the environment.  Isn’t that what it’s all about?


#4 Ecologically Correct Vandalism  Hmmmm, it’s Saturday night and you’re in the mood to vandalize some statues, but how?  Use your grass!  Be original!  Grass mohawks, grass codpieces….you get the idea!


#5  Bag o’ Grass  If all else fails, there is always a market for products packaged in brown paper printed with minimalistic fonts.  Cut your sod in squares, stick them in bags, and sell them for $79.99 a piece at a shop in SoHo.  You’ll be golden!


21 thoughts on “So I’ve Ripped Out My Lawn, Now What Do I Do?

  1. So funny. I especially like the brown bag with a minimalist font idea.

    Seriously, not having grass can be a huge amount of work. We decreased the grass in our yard and planted the perimeter with trees, shrubs, flowers and grasses. Each spring, summer and fall, I do lots and lots of weeding. Mowing the remaining grass is the easiest and somehow the most satisfying part of my yard work.

  2. Hah! Funny stuff. I did tear a large amount of sod years ago and i piled it into a sofa shape, about seven feet long, four feet deep with armrests and a back. I wired pieces of sod to the front pieces and watered regularly. Turned out surprisingly well. I filled bare spots with chamomile and corsican mint for fragrance. Had it for two years, then moved.

  3. Pingback: Sunday morning lagniappe | enclos*ure

  4. Mary, thoroughly entertaining as usual. I have curated your article for my magazine []; there is a link back to this article and Black Walnut Dispatch.

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