ISO Garden Exorcist

Spirits dwell in my garden soil, and they're not beneficial nematodes.

I’m pretty sure my soil is haunted.

In trying to figure out why all the plants in this certain bed in my backyard keep dying slow, excruciating deaths, I have ruled out high pH, micronutrient deficiencies, marine clay, grubs, acid rain, and communist infiltrators.

I figure the only possible explanation for the gradual decline/death of five cherrylaurels, two Itea, three ostrich ferns and a river birch has to lie somewhere in the supernatural realm. 

I took Hort 101 at the local community college, which covered common pests and diseases, but rather egregiously omitted information about planting over indian burial grounds and civil war battlefields, purging your plants of evil spirits, and dealing with neighbors who may be practicing horticultural voodoo or botanical black arts in retaliation for aiming your downspout at their flowerbeds.

In mulling over which of these dark forces may be at work in this garden bed, it occurs to me there is a niche in the marketplace for a more supernatural skill-set.  Garden Coaches have been around for awhile now, but I think a reputable Garden Coach/Exorcist or Garden Sorcerer could get a fair bit of business. 

I definitely need one.